


Counting Cycles

by Aicosu



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Can be Reylo but can also not be, Crying, Deceiving Fluff followed by ANGST, F/M, Origin Story, Origin Theory, Other, Reylo Applies but not Written, Slight Alteration from the facts of Bloodlines, This may become Multichap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-30
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-06-05 10:15:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6700891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aicosu/pseuds/Aicosu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ben Solo hides his one secret on Jakku.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Counting Cycles

**Author's Note:**

> This was written before Bloodlines release. So for this story Ben is 15 and Rey is 4.

~~~~When the younger boy on the ground finally stopped crying he just listened to the hum of the lightsaber in his hands.

It was warm.

Warmer now as thick red squeezed between his palms. It made the metal feel slippery. More than sweat ever had during his training. His shoulders were heaving, his whole body tired, and he couldn’t seem to stop staring as the red pooled around the grooves of the hilt’s stabilizer ring. The bright blue of the blade was steady and constant, brilliant against the darkness of the Temple’s hallway. It didn’t cackle now. It had when he had first made it. His saber.

It was bright and warm and loud in his ear. Vrrm, vrrm, vrrm—

The blood around the emitter rose, dammed there from the amount seeping from his hands and sleeves. It tipped over the metal and began burning into the bright blade. It hissed, boiling on contact, a sizzle of steam rising to fill his nostrils with the smell of rust and bile. His hands shook, the blade wavered and the steam filled his lungs.

There had been so much blood.

There wasn’t supposed to be so much blood. Not like this. Not with a lightsaber.

A large dollop cracked into his blade, smoke curling upward into his face as he nearly jumped. His thumb switched off the activator and the blue faded with an impatient snap. He fumbled with the hot metal, slick and sticky with red. It clung to his tunic as he placed it on his belt. He straightened it, wiping his hands to smooth the robes around his belt. Red seeped into the ghosts of his fingertips. He panicked a little at the sight, pushing at the bloodstains only to create more.

They weren’t supposed to bleed.

His eyes unfocused and his teeth grit as he pushed at his tunic, only to catch the sight of blood pooling at his boots. He stepped backwards, heels catching on the dull thud of an arm. He turned, staring down at the body behind him. He’d forgotten they had...He swallowed, eyes trailing the hallways from one body to the next.

It was hard maneuvering them at first.

He wanted to be sure the blood wouldn’t coat his shoe soles. He couldn’t have anyone follow his footsteps once they saw everyone—everything—dead in the hallway. But after trying to step carefully over most of the older padawans, he stumbled over one of the shorter initiate’s and fell to a knee on their shoulder. When his hand touched the severed limb of one of the younger kids beside them—a boy he recognized from a shared joke in the old archive last summer—he gave up.

He continued through the rest of the hall, stepping over bodies with less caution.

It was easier in the main sanctum. The floor was wide and vast and the few bodies lying there had not bled so much.

They hadn’t fought him.

He didn’t look at them as he passed, keeping his eyes on the familiar etchings of the temple walls. He had seen them a thousand times before, but really looked at them now as if seeing them for the first time. It was almost like he’d never been in the Temple before. Or maybe it was because it was so quiet and empty, the first time in his memory. He never could tell if the carvings were some sort of language or just a pattern of ropes and vines. They twisted very precisely in a way that felt like it meant something instead of a simple design to reflect the leaves outside the temple walls.

He had always figured that Luke would know. Maybe he would have eventually told him in some sort of lesson.

Now he wondered how many kids he had to kill before he had the power to see it himself.

He swallowed at the thought and stared at the stones beneath his feet as he made his way to his room.

Blood coated the stone fissure of his door as he pressed his fingers down into the latch. The woosh of the old mechanics that sprang the door open seemed to echo in clangs down the hall, filling the darkness and night with the only sound besides his shaky breath. The room was empty and black, pierced only by the shallow light filtering in from the open hallway.

He hurried forward, ignoring the peeling sound of his sticky boots.

His room had always been sparse. Every young jedi’s had. But his was more so these days. The bed was naked of sheets and clothing, the ground clean, and the small table nearest the viewport held nothing but a backpack, full and strapped shut. Ready.

But he ignored the luggage for now, kneeling down in front of the footlocker before his bed. His fingers pressed on the print reader. The small blue light flickered green and the plastisteel shuffled along the rim to open.

It had been an hour tops.

He had made sure to not take longer than an hour. When he lifted the lid up the inside seemed to rise with it. Bundles of his missing bed clothes and cot sheets unfurled, spilling out and revealing a small head full of messy hair.

Bright eyes found his with glittering lids. Water seeped from them to dribble into hair and shiny gritted teeth. Her frame wobbled as she blinked tiredly, little chest heaving in her small tunic.

“B-Buh-Ben—!“

“Rey, shhh—Hey—“

His arms came forward, catching the small shaking shoulders with his too-big hands. Ben had hoped she had would have fallen asleep by now. It would be easiest to take her from the Temple when she couldn’t see anything.

Her cries heightened as her small fingers found purchase in his tunic, squeezing him close.

“No Rey, quiet—we’re still playing the game okay?”

“I d-don’t wan—t to pl—l-ay!” She whined, bleary eyes squinting to glare at the older boy.“Y-you’re gonna l-leave me in there in the dark ag-a-ag-“

“No, I’m not. I’m not.” He argued, yanking the blankets further out to free her folded knees. “And I said I was coming back didn’t I? I’m here now, aren’t I?”

She continued huffing, a fist releasing him to rub harshly at her eye even as she continued to glare him down.

“Shh, I’m here okay? No more crying.” He caught her hand, pulling it from rubbing her cheeks raw. “Don’t do that.”

She whined again, yanking her hand from his.

“Rey--come on.” He scolded, standing from the footlocker and crossing to the bag on the table. “Come on and get out of there, we gotta go now.”

“Go where?” She called after him, her annoyance lilted and sharp.

“We gotta—“ He unlatched the pockets to check everything. The credits, the concentrate sticks, the pair of power cells, and his old comm. They had clothes, even if it was just a couple training tunics. It would do for now, but not for very long. “We gotta leave the Temple.”

“Bu-ut why? Where?”

He looked around the room before looking down at his stained clothes in the dark. “It doesn’t matter.”

“What about P-pang and Tel’lik and—“

Ben struggled with the strap as he saw the faces of her friends in his mind. Pang had been asleep when his saber had ignited in his throat, but he had slammed Tel’lik into the vestibule archway and cracked her head.

“They aren’t coming Rey.”

“But where--”

“We just gotta go Rey, okay!? We have to leave! Now come on, get out of there—“

He shouldered the pack onto his back, ignoring the blood coating him for now. They could change in the shuttle once they got off planet. But they didn’t have time now.

“Rey—“

When he looked again she was still standing awkwardly in the footlocker, staring at him with wide eyes, crying all over again with silent heaves held back by a tiny clenched jaw.

“Hey, hey, hey—“ He hurried to his knees before her, instantly feeling the shame well in his stomach as he caught the small hands trying to stop the tears dribbling down her cheeks. “I’m... I’m sorry. I’m sorry, okay?”

Ben felt his voice crack under the apology and he tried not to think of the bodies in the hallways past the sanctum. “I... just got mad.”

Her arms came to rest about his neck, not quite looping all the way around as her fingers pulled at the hair behind his head. Her heaves turned into sniffling as she bobbed her head against his. Ben rubbed his hands on her back and closed his eyes, hoping she wouldn’t see the color of his tunic in the dark.

“I don’t want to go by myself.” Rey whispered, breath scraping against his cheek.

He leaned back and caught her eyes.

She had always been so smart.

Even today, she had caught on so quickly when he had told her he needed her to play a game. A game of hiding and keeping quiet. She had burst into tears immediately.

Before when Rey had thrown tantrums as soon as Luke started spelling words to sneak things passed her, he had been proud. Proud that the adults that had tried to bypass him when he was that age could not bypass her. He was proud when she had raced faster than any other kid her age because she found high ground shortcuts through the trails. Prouder still when she could remember every form by name and not number. Prouder than even Luke when he had watched her scream shatter her plate in anger when Balaen had stole her pallie fruit.

Now he hated it.

He wanted her to be silly and stupid for once. Just once, he wished she would be a little girl that didn’t understand what was going on around her. Where she would be quiet and sit still and do as she was told. Just tonight.

His fingers tightened around her small frame.

“You’re not going by yourself.” He urged, looking her right in the eyes. Like she liked. Like an adult. “I’m coming with you.”

“And Veggies?”

Ben sighed. “Yes, and Veggies too— where’s Veggies?”

She tore from him excitedly, hands scrambling through the blankets of the foot locker. “Here! He’s here hiding with me.” She pulled the doll out from the crevices, his bright orange flight suit wrinkling in her fist.

“See there he is.” Ben smiled tightly, taking the doll from her to gently fix his legs and press the cotton helmet onto his head that had fallen askew. “General Veggies is with you. And the three of us are going on a mission.”

“Y-yeah?”

“Yeah, we’re going right up to space, Rey.”

“You're really taking me?”

“I promised you, didn’t I?”

“And after?”

Ben swallowed, looking away to the doll, fiddling with it before pressing it to her hands. “Hold him tight if you want him to come with us.”

“And after Ben? And after?” She urged, struggling to pull her leg up and out of the locker as he stood.

“Later Rey. I’ll tell you later.” He reassured.

She slipped out of the locker and trudged up to him, barely reaching past his knees.

“But we can’t go. It’s past lights out and Luke said when he’s gone—”

“Has that ever stopped us before?”

Rey shook her head, lips curling nervously despite herself.

“Besides I say we can.” Ben reached a long arm beside him to snatch his robe off the wall, draping it down around her shoulders. “Put this on, it’s going to be cold outside.”

She tried reaching into the sleeves, but settled with bundling the length of it about herself. It folded on one end, tucked beneath her arms while the back dragged on the floor.

“Ready?” He asked.

When Rey’s uncertain face crumpled slightly, he kneeled once more.

“W-we’re not coming b-ack-k.”

His eyes leveled with her, watching as the knowing in her eyes grew until her fingers had to rise to clutch her cheeks again to prevent tears.

“No.” He answered. There was no point in lying.

“I can say bye?” She asked in a guffaw of held back sobs. “By-bye to all my—”

“No, Rey.”

Her eyes shut tight against the sight of him.

“We’re bigger now Rey. We have to go. We have to leave and get older. Do you understand?”

She was nodding wildly with her eyes closed.

“So you, me, and Veggies are going on a trip. Okay? A mission. Top secret.”

“Cl-as-ss-if-ied-d?”

“Classified, yes. Good, Rey, see, you’re a big girl.”

Ben’s tongue felt heavy as he assured her, and he grabbed the cloak around her to bring her close. He ignored the sight of his hands shaking in the corner of his eyes.

“I am?”

“Yes so, we’re going to be really quiet, and we’re going to go out of the Temple and walk to a ship. A ship for just you and me.”

“I-I I know Imma big g-girl but can you c-arry me B-ben?”

He nodded, finding his throat too tight to speak for a moment. “Yes, I’ll carry you. Let’s—” His eyes darted around, remembering the blood on the marble floors. “Let’s get your helmet. Where’s your helmet? We’re going to space, you need your helmet.”

Rey scrambled from him, head heavy and bobbing with her crying as she bent low on the floor to tilt her head under the bed. She pressed her small body into the cot’s edge and reached, his robe pooling around her almost completely. She came back out with a rusted old looking Yellow Aces helmet, way too big for her.

“Come here.”

She brought it to him, settling easily into the crook of his arm.

He yanked the blast shield down over the helmet’s visor and placed it onto her head.

“You keep that on. You have to wear it for the mission.” He picked her up, balancing her carefully in his arms with the pack weighing down on his back. “Don’t take it off Rey, okay? It’s very important.”

“In case of lasers?”

Ben remembered that his lightsaber hilt was still pooled with red around the metal grooves.

“Yes.” He hefted her one more time. “You got Veggies?”

“Yeah, in my pocket.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

The sanctum hadn’t changed.

It was cold and quiet, shafts of the pale green light from the edges of the main planet bared down on the moon, sifted by the Temple beams above.

Ben’s fingers tightened around Rey as they crossed the first pair of Padawans.

“Don’t take off that hel--”

“I’m not!” She protested, her voice an exaggerated whisper to match his silence.

They went quiet as he crossed the expanse, his breathing loud in his ears.

Rey’s fighter helmet bumped into his chin as she twisted her head about, and he pulled her in close to lay on his shoulder, hoping she’d keep still and not chance a peek at the Temple around them.

“Why can’t Pang and Tel’lik co--”

“Hey, why don’t you tell me where you want to go?” He hurried, turning down the hallway.

He paused at the sight of it all, before him one more time. Where the eldest had tried to stop him. Where they had screamed and cried and begged. Where his saber had hummed louder than their pleas. Where the Force had never been easier to wield and where there had been so, so much blood. Why? Why had there been so much? If they had just stopped moving, stopped squirming, stopped crawling away from him and tearing open the burnt holes in their--

“...go where?” Rey asked, little hands squeezing his shoulders, thrown off by his misdirection.

He let out a shaky breath.

“Tell me where in the whole galaxy you want to go.” He said, walking again, holding her tight as he stepped over the first body.

His boots dipped into the red and he stared at it past Rey’s dangling legs.

“All of space?”

“Yes, all of space, anywhere Rey. I can take you anywhere you want.”

She sighed almost thoughtfully at the enormous question. “I don’t know all the places.”

“How about Manaan? I can take you to Manaan.” He suggested, “We can see all the big fish and—”

“Brith! Brith!” Rey shouted excitedly, rocking them. His hand shot out to hold the wall as they stepped lightly between the last body. It was angled awkwardly about the corner of the hall, curled like they had tried crawling away.

“Shh— Shh!” He hurried, strangely worried for an odd moment that she might wake the children about their feet.

“I want to see Brith!”

“Dantooine?” He murmured, thinking of the planet. Vast with fields of wheat and soft winds. Farmland.

He had been with his father once. A passing stop near forgettable in his childhood.

 _‘Nothing but a lot of nothing.’_ he’d said.

Dantooine then.

 

* * *

 

When they reached the XR12 Rey was already murmuring sleepily into his neck and they were both shivering. He had hidden the shuttle in the first crest of hills beyond the Temple to the North and the chill of the wind was worse than he expected.

Rey had started crying all over again when they had gotten outside. Suddenly scared and upset, Ben figured she was most likely exhausted or hungry. He tried to distract her fussiness with promises of stars and planets, but it looked as though now there would be no need as she breathed heavily against his shoulder.

He got the hatches open with some jostling and hummed Rey quiet as he lowered them into the small deck.

She whined half heartedly when he set her down into the passenger chair, the space already too cramped to lie her down properly.

They didn’t have time for comfort anyway. They needed to get off the planet.

“Buckle up.”

“I wanna go home.” She pulled her pilot’s helmet off with clumsy fingers.

Ben ignored her, crouching down as he yanked the hatches closed above him. The console whirred when he entered in his locking codes and everything came online. When he came back he buckled her in himself, a bit frustrated that her small bout of exhaustion seemed to be wearing off.

“Ben I wanna go home!”

“No, Rey.” He glared down at her as he moved into the pilot’s seat.

His feet somehow managed to reach the back of the grate beneath the console and his hands had no problem switching the tabs for the subspace repulsors. But it still felt too big. It all felt wrong. The viewport of the cockpit reached both sides of him and suddenly he wasn’t sure how he’d be able to keep track of it all.

But he couldn’t stop now.

The engine came on with a roar, and a few of the cockpit lights brightened around them. His pilot chair thumped with a kick as Rey practically yelled behind him.

“I want to go back! I want to go home!”

“Stop it.”

“You stop!”

He toggled the switch to pull up the feet of the ship, watching the sensor show him the decreasing angle as they retracted so the repulsors could replace them.

“I don’t wanna-”

“Rey, hush!”

He jerked the throttle upward and the ship lifted. He could feel the entire thing rumble against the atmosphere, struggling with gravity. His teeth clenched against the unsettling sensation.

Something was off.

Rey squealed loudly, it rang in his ears at the same time the console started blaring alarms.

“Rey stop! Stop it right now!”

“NO! I don’t wanna leave! I don’t wan—”

His hands raced across the console, eyes flickering as he tried to figure out the problem. The ship hovered, wing lights making the canopies above the hill crests look pale and fake. Like holo recordings against a stark night.

The ship groaned

He had to fix it. They had to go. They couldn’t be here when Luke got back— he’d done it already. They were dead now. He did it. It was done! They weren't ever coming back. His friends. Pang, Tel’lik, Balaen, Duuna, Bintep, Cordo, Leana—

He did it! He killed them! Just like he was supposed to— just as he was asked—

And now they would die on this stupid ship and he would deserve every bit of it. It would all amount to nothing! Everything, all that waiting, each lie, the whispers, every piece he had planned and all that screaming and blood and now he couldn’t even get the ship—

Rey’s squealing was drowned by his sudden roar.

His fingers clenched until they turned white around the throttle, shoulders tense as he yelled, legs kicking wildly at the bottom of the console with a loud bang.

“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! JUST BE QUIET—WORK!!”

His fists released the throttle to bang along the consoles, screens flickering and lights erupting against each thud of his knuckles scraping on the durasteel.

“WORK! FLY! You stupid ship— We have get out!! I have to— I HAVE TO GET OUT! GET ME OUT OF THIS PLACE!”

A pop of metal snapped beneath his fists. The console thrummed and he stopped, eyes wide as flashes ricocheted through the controls. His chest heaved and his throat burned from his screaming, but horror replaced his anger when he realized he had hit something that set the sensors off.

A toggle suddenly appeared, unlatched from a compartment in the dash.

Compressor.

Light class shuttles came with a compress—

He reached over quickly, flicking the switch. The rumbling in the ship faded and weight seemed to give way from the throttle as the ship lifted in elevation.

Ben pressed them forward, jaw working in concentration as he flew them straight over the canopies and up to the atmosphere. The trees disappeared below them, pale green enveloping the viewport from the shadow of the planet above their moon.

The rest was easy.

Lift the shields, check the chart, set the curve— let it fly.

When a sliver of the moon was all that was below them, he twisted his chair to coordinate the Navicomputer.

They didn’t have many jumps, not enough to get to Dantooine in one go. Let alone anywhere afterwards. They would have to go to Jovan Station first and figure out the rest from there. It would take longer, but Ben had already planned for the stop.

He had been there a few times before. With Luke.

The ship veered as soon as his coordinates were set. His straps unbuckled with a clang when he got up.

Rey stared at him, small and tiny in the bundle of his robes, swallowed up by the height of the flight chair. The stars and the ship’s lights washed out her reddened cheeks, streaked and stained to match her crumpled lashes. Her lip trembled and she blinked softly at him.

“There’s blood.”

Ben jerked at her words, looking down as her small fingers reached toward him to point at his clothes.

“No—”

“You’re b-bleeding.” Her voice warped, small and scared.

“No, I’m not, I’m not—” He stepped over to her and she tensed, knees knocking together as she squeezed herself into the chair. Ben felt the ground hollow out beneath him. “Rey—”

“Don’t be mad!”

“I’m not mad!” He bit out sharply before clenching his fists as he looked down at her. His nostrils flared with his exhale. “I’m not. I’m not mad. I’m not bleeding. It’s not— It’s not mine.”

Her knees stretched slightly but she still stared at him in worry. Ben yanked on the tunic, pulling the outer layer up through his belt and escaping the sleeves. It came off his head with a harsh rip through his hair. He chucked the bloody thing to the back of the deck.

“See? Look, I’m not bleeding— Is this better?” raised his arms, showing her the clean white under shirt. The oxygen pumping in from the vents was cold on his bare arms.

Rey gave a grumbled noise, hand rubbing her eye.

“Don’t do that.” He reminded, kneeling down and taking the hand away. She didn’t protest at the closeness this time so he took the opportunity to pull the buckle from her chest.

“Come here, come with me and we’ll look at the stars.”

“You were yelling.” She whispered, even as her head melted into his shoulder and her fingers wrapped around his neck.

“I know I’m sorry.”

“You were just mad?”

“Yeah.” He picked her up, doll, cloak, helmet and all, carrying her down into the pilot’s chair and into his lap.

He lifted his legs up to stretch above the console, giving her move room to lay against him. He pulled the cloak dangling from her up around them and sighed out with a shaky, anxious, relief that barely reached the whole of him.

He could… do this. At least. He could do right by Rey.

Because in the end she was the one thing that wouldn’t give.

He could tear them all down and forget them like a bundle of bloody clothes dropped in a cockpit. Another mess to add to the pile at his feet. His nightmares were already bloody, there wasn’t any point to adding more to it all.

But Rey was just so small. So little. So smart and fast and strong and he just couldn’t— wouldn’t—

“Where is all that?” Her voice whispered, fingers pointing out towards the stars glinting at them, barely moving even as the ship tilted and hummed.

Ben pressed his mouth into her hair as he thought, eyes scanning the few stars she pointed at.

“Those are very far.”

“Are we going there?”

“If you want.”

Rey twisted a little, her hand grasping her doll and pulling it into her chest. A telltale sign that sleep was coming soon. Ben rubbed a hand at her back.

“We’re on a mission. Me and you?”

“You and me.”

“Just us?”

“Just you and me.” He said before finally feeling a small smile break on his lips, unable to stop as her face scrunched up in scrutiny and confusion.

He waited for inevitable endless barrage of questions. Why were they leaving, what about Luke, when would they go home, where were they going, what would they do, who would be there-- but instead Rey settled into him, fingers wrestling with her doll silently for a moment before she whispered with sleep in her words.

“I’m scared.”

His arms instinctively folded around her, large awkward limbs draping over her form heavily, as if he could immediately chase away her fears with his bare hands.

“I know.” Ben whispered into her hair. “But I got you. I’m here…”

When her breathing evened out with his soft murmurs, his body went lax.

He plucked at her hair and watched the stars, ignoring the ache in his body at the odd angle he sat with her.

And then it came. Unbidden and cold, a hollow yank in his chest and a numbing in his mind.

_‘Come.’_

Ben closed his eyes. Listening with a slow and harsh swallow.

_‘Come to me, boy.’_

Ben flushed out the voice with a breath, grasping at Rey, curling his legs about her like he was still as little as she was.

“Not yet.” He said out loud.

Not yet.

Just a little longer.

* * *

  
They didn’t have enough credits to get to Dantooine.

More or less. It was actually more complicated than that but it was still the truth.

The XR12 was ancient and it just didn’t have the trip in it. And if they couldn’t even get to Dantooine they definitely couldn’t get to Manaan let alone the Unknown Regions. He could probably get one lightspeed jump in it, but even then it would be a risk. They could be stranded in a dead zone on the hyperlane with a tiny pod that had no consumables.

The other option was to ditch the ship and buy two passes for a shuttle. But Dantooine was expensive. Even if they sold the ship, he wouldn’t be able to afford another shuttle across the Core to the edges of space. Where _he_ needed to go. He wanted to scream and shout about it. It was the stupidest thing to ruin his plans and not something he could fix.

“Ben look! Look! Ben look at that—look!”

“Stop, Rey.”

“Look!”

She ran into his legs, tumbling to sit on the floor with him, crawling on his knees.

“Get off.”

“You're not looking!”

Ben tore his eyes away from the datapad in his hands to glance at the huge ship entering the docking bay below them.

“Yeah, I see it.”

“Ugh no! You don’t. You just went like this.” Rey moved her head in a whiplash fashion to mock him. “That’s not looking that's just mooovvviingg-”

“Rey please, I’m trying to figure this out.”

He expanded the star chart on the datapad, the screen flickering in protest. It was already annoying to have to listen to Jovan Station's constant announcements in the terminals around them, but now he had to try and entertain the girl currently wriggling into his arms.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a map—Rey, stop—go play with Veggies for a bit.”

“No, I want to be with you.” She urged, hands grasping the datapad from him.

Ben glared at the back of her head as it obscured his vision. He couldn’t argue against that without making her cry and he sighed at Rey’s unintentional insistence to always be so unfair.

“What’s this one?” She pointed, the screen clicking to reveal the planet she chose.

“Yavin.” He answered, giving up on any progression now. “We just came from there.”

“Oh.” She sighed loudly. “Well, where are we going?”

“I… I don’t know.” He admitted, feeling like he was much too young to make the decision and yet much too old now that he had to.

He supposed he could take her anywhere. It wouldn’t matter so long as she was safe and he knew where she was.

But he refused to take her to a planet he hadn’t been to before. Or at least a sector. He couldn’t risk dropping her somewhere like Glade or Torque. Besides, he needed to take her far. Far enough that no one would find her. That no one would look. Maybe even farther than Dantooine.

That resignation made him feel better about not being able to go.

He moved her hands to zoom out on the star chart and think all over again.

“Hey! I wanna do it—”

“You’re too little.”

“You said I was a big girl now.” She reminded him. Ben tsked at her.

“Big girls don’t argue with people older than them.”

He needed to at least reach Coruscant. But they couldn’t stop there. They couldn’t really go too far into Galactic space. Not without an IP. And definitely not as two underage bodies with a lightsaber and a bundle of credits. He traced his finger from Jovan Station to the Unknown Regions near Endor.

That was an option. Endor. Aside from the fact that most of the Galactic's new bases were there and everyone would recognize him. His mother… well. He’d get caught.

“What’s that one?” Rey tapped the screen and it flickered.

“Don’t—”

Jakku.

“What is it?”

“I don’t know. Stop touching it.”

Rey whined, stretching her body along his in protest, knocking her head on his chin.

“Stop!”

“You're makin’ me mad!” She warned in a graveled sing-song, like she was taunting him into a spat.

“Yeah? You’re making _me_ mad!” Ben warned back and they took to glaring at each other.

Her face looked tired. Big eyes were rimmed in tears and her hair was falling out of her ties. He was surprised she was still energetic enough to be awake. She hadn’t slept that long on the ship and even less in the past 25 hour rotation.

He wasn’t really sure how else to take care of her.

So he broke first. He always did. “Sorry.” He set the datapad aside and pulled her into him fully. “Are you hungry?”

She seemed to think about it before nodding.

He pulled their bag towards them, rifling through for the concentrate sticks. He peeled the grey film from the beige substance and took a small bite first to make sure it hadn’t rotted.

Rey took it from his hands with a crinkled nose and furrowed brows.

“I don—”

“Try it first. It’s all we have right now.”

She took the tiniest bite he had ever witnessed before rubbing her lips together and puffing out her cheeks in distaste.

“No, that’s not a real bite. Try it, Rey.” He pushed her hand back towards her mouth, though he had to admit that the nutrients didn’t smell that great.

“It doesn’t taste good!”

“Sometimes we don’t get things that taste good. Sometimes we just get things that help us live another day.” He scolded, taking the package from her and pulling back the film. He took a bigger bite from the stick. It stuck to his teeth as he tried to pass it over his tongue. “See? I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. It’s just food.”

She ate after that. Quietly. And she glared at him the whole time from her downturned lashes, but he still considered it a win.

It at least kept her quiet as he picked up the datapad again.

Jakku.

There was a trade hyperlane near there. Correllian. They would have imports shuttling back and forth past most of the Outer Rim Territories. And trade shuttles didn’t go into the Core unless they they needed too. Too much traffic. Or regulation.

Maybe they could just start there. It was far enough from the Gordian Reach and close enough to Unknown space.

When he was done, it would be really easy to get back to it.

She wouldn't be that far from him.

“Ready?”

“Where’re we going?”

“Jakku.”

* * *

 

The Bothan that bought the ship didn’t ask too many questions, but Ben still weaved them through the entire west section of the Station before coming back around to buy shuttle tickets. He didn’t need anyone looking for him or Rey, regardless of whether or not he had swindled someone into buying an XR12 with a shot hyperdrive.

The shuttle was harder.

The trade ships wanted workers, not refugees. They did sell some passenger seating, but he ended up having to barter for it with the power cells he had in addition to some credits. He had packed them to sell for boarding for Rey, but now he would have to figure it out when they got there. Hopefully he’d have enough to find her a place and take the shuttle the rest of the way out.

Rey was quiet and compliant as he arranged everything. When she did complain they were in the shuttle’s hold, cramped with a dozen other passengers looking for transport, but he was able to distract her.

“And how many is this?”

“Ah-fo-”

“Ah? How many?”

“Four!”

“Four!?” Ben exclaimed, looking down at the cluster of dots he had drawn on his bare arm. They didn’t have any paper or flimsi. “That looks like five—”

“Five! Five! I didn’t see that one, I didn’t-’’

“Sure you didn’t.”

“I didn’t!” Rey argued before shoving his hand away to look at the pattern of lines and dots he had written on his skin.

“It says… R.” She speculated, rocking back onto the crate she sat on. She was small enough that she didn’t bother the two Twi’leks playing Sabacc on the other side.

“R, what?” He pointed down at his arm. “What’s that letter?”

“R?” She asked, with a cheeky look on her face and flashing laughter.

“How can that one be an R, when this one is R!?” He accused, laughing and grabbing at her shoulders with fast, tickling fingers. “You know that’s not right!”

Rey squealed, bending forward and giggling in sharp whistles as he pinched her sides. “It’s R! It’s R!”

“You liar! You’re no droid!” He chuckled.

“I’m not! Imma girl!”

“Yeah, just a little bitty girl!” His hands scooped her up beneath her arms and pulled her off the crate, tossing her small frame above his head as he leaned backward.

Rey cried out, eyes squeezing shut as she shook with laughter. “Noooooo!! I’m big!!”

Her legs wiggled in the air before he dropped her into his chest, both laughing in their tiny cramped corner. They had another five hours of hyperspace before reaching Jakku and Ben was trying to spend as much of it as he could by making Rey smile.

“So what is it then?” he asked, both settling down. Rey shifted in his lap to stare down at the written Binary on his arm.

“Uh… E?”

“See, you are smart.” He sat her properly just as she jumped again in excitement.

“Rey! It says Rey!”

“Yeah, it does.” Ben couldn’t wipe the smile off his face.

“What about Ben? Write Ben!” Rey demanded.

Kylo showed her the small motions of each dot and dash, collecting the code markings into a jumble of their names. He let her practice, watching her work in a deep concentration. Her tiny hands whisked across his skin as she wrote _Rey, Rey, Rey, Ben, Rey, Ben, Ben, Ben-_

Eventually her childlike energy won and he fell asleep as she scrawled up his arm.

 

* * *

 

Jakku was hot.

Worse, the outposts were much smaller than what Ben had envisioned. He had hoped there would be a slightly larger city for Rey to get lost in. Not a backwater desert junkyard that didn’t even have a fuel port.

He tried to picture it, Rey being here, running in the sand or laughing.

They traversed through the shambles of buildings as sand dusted through their hair, hands sweaty as their fingers intertwined.

“It’s slippery! Look, look—Ben, look...” Rey giggled near his feet.

Ben scanned the covered stalls as they passed them, looking at each face. He didn’t recognize some of the species here let alone any of the people. They all looked hard. But not like the weary soldiers on Coruscant or the refugees and swindlers on Nar Shadaa.

But his instinct was still to take Rey somewhere else, somewhere… fuller.

There were no children here.

But there wasn’t anymore credits to choose. He had enough to board the shuttle alone and make the trip into the edge of space, a place where Rey could not come with him. Even if he did, what would the plan be then? He couldn’t… _raise_ a little girl.

The thought made him realize how stupid this all was. What had he been thinking?

Ben glanced at Rey, watching her rip lines into the sand with her shoe, swinging her leg with abandon.

He had taken her from a place where she had a bed, food, clothes, toys, friends and Luke. Luke who seemed to know exactly what Rey needed. _“She’s just tired.” “She’s got a tooth ache.” “Little girls need to be held.” “She just wants you to listen.”_

Ben’s jaw worked as he watched her, tiny fingers curling into his palm. He barely knew what he was doing. Why had he…

No. There was no room to doubt now.

Because the alternative was unspeakable.

Regardless she had to stay here, where she would be safe. He couldn’t take her with him. Especially not when…

_‘Come boy.’_

Ben shivered in the heat of the sun.

No one would find her here. It wasn’t perfect, but no one would think to even look here for her. Not any soldiers. Not Luke. No one.

They would think she had died in the Temple with the rest of them. Just like he’d planned, just like he wanted.

He’d need to find her board. Protection.

“Come on, stop playing.”

“You never look!”

He pulled on the hand in his grasp, feeling Rey’s body slide through the dirt as she defiantly planted her feet down.

Patience spent, he scooped her up into his arms.

“I can do it myself!” She yelled near his ear, pushing her hands down on his shoulders. He moved his head away from her mouth with an annoyed glance.

Ben ignored her further as she wriggled, walking them both through the market towards the center shacks where a few men in shoddy uniforms were supervising part trades.

 

* * *

 

Unkar Plutt would buy her.

He hadn’t taken to the Crolute when they met, but any others he had tried speaking to about any sort of business directed him straight back to Unkarr. The man seemed to own everything in the outpost.

It was actually a solution to all the problems Ben had.

He was short on credits at this point, and selling Rey meant he wouldn’t have to spend anything and he would profit.

He twisted, looking over his shoulders as Rey swung her feet from the table he had sat her on, the shade cooling her already reddened shoulders. She was talking, he could hear the lilting amusement in her voice as she played with Veggies. She bopped the toy about her lap and pointed the various ships and people to the rebel pilot.

Ben felt his face tighten and he blinked back rapidly from the brightness about his eyes.

“She’s not a slave.”

“Then pay for her.” Plutt scoffed, shifting like a sand dune himself, gurgling the words as if they had been too obvious to be worth speaking properly. “But this is no schoolhouse, boy.”

Ben turned to glare at the the alien.

“I want to make sure she eats. That she has a bed.”

“Then you’ll get less for her purchase.”

“That doesn’t matter to me.” He insisted. The tightening sensation extended to his chest. The heat was making him breathe harder, making his palms sweat. Rey spouted a delighted sound behind him.

“If she stays here, bed and food, then she works when it's gone.”

“She won’t be here that long.” She couldn’t be. This was only temporary. Until he figured out what he needed for his own ship. For more credits. He’d come back and take her to Dantooine then.

The junker rubbed his face and seemed to groan with consideration. When he pressed his hands against the flat durasteel of the old concession stand and nodded, Ben was quick.

“If it’s a deal then I want a contract.”

Unkar met his eyes without amusement, mouth sneering at the words but not objecting. He raised his arms without dropping his gaze and shuffled through the bins above him. The piece of plastisheet was dirty and chipped, but the words of the form were all still there.

Ben filled it out mechanically. Quickly. He didn’t need to think long about this. Couldn’t.

Rey didn’t say anything when he plucked her from the table nor did she seem to notice Unkar follow behind them. His fingers pressed into her small form as she balanced in his shoulders. He tried to remember the weight of her, or how her voice sounded as she taught her doll about sand and the sun. He tried to smell her, but couldn’t tie the scent with anything other than her. Soft. Warm.

“Are we going to space again?” Her fingers pulled at his ear.

“No.”

“Are we going home?”

Ben watched some of the travelers they had landed with walk ahead of him towards the trade shuttle.

“No.”

“It’s too hot here.”

“Rey— don’t.” He urged. He couldn’t hear that right now. He couldn’t listen to her disagree with this place.

When they got too close Ben had to set her down. He looked over her shoulder at the Crolute. Unkar paused, looking inconvenienced and horrid. Ben’s hands clutched at Rey’s as he forced himself to look into her eyes. Like she liked. Like an adult.

“Rey.”

Her eyes flickered over his face, bare and alert, before twisting in his hand to look at the shuttle. His heart thudded up into his throat, threatened by her growing understanding. She was too smart, she always had been. Too smart for her own good.

“Rey look at me. Listen. This is important.”

“Wh-where—”

Ben shucked the backpack off his shoulder. When it thudded on the ground her little feet tensed.

“Your helmet is in this bag with some clothes from home.”

“Ben—”

“I need you— Rey listen. Stop. Listen to me.” His voice shook when he found a good hold on her shoulders as they squeezed into her body. Her eyes widened into a glittering wetness. She was already--

“B-b-E-N— NO-O-”

“Stop it! Stop! You have to listen to me, you have to be quiet, I need to talk to you—”

“I’m co-o-ming too—”

“No! STOP. You’re not. You’re not coming Rey. Listen to me. Listen.”

“DON’T!” She near shouted at his face, eyes already sliver small and flooding faster than he could blink. Her face reddened in the sun.

“You-you have your helmet in there and you have Veggies with you— okay? And clothes Rey, re-remember that. And I— I’m coming back. Listen, shh, hush— I’m coming back. Okay? I have to…”

Her crying was loud now, she was staring at him in utter confusion through her open mouthed, dribbled sobs. It had happened faster than Ben’s heart could beat to and his body shook as he felt air leave him the more he talked but he needed to tell her, had to tell her-

“I have to go. I have to go. I have to— I p-promise that I’m coming back but I have to go now.”

“NO! I’m NOT! I’m not-not-nn-ot a bi-g-big g-GIRL!” She protested, her words dying in a whine that squealed from the back of her throat. “DON’T GO!”

Ben’s hand left her shaking body to grab his mouth, staring in horror as she clung desperately to the hand that still held her back.

“BE—N-Ben! BEN!”

He stood abruptly and it ripped her little hands from his. His step back from her left her shocked, tiny arms and tiny head swiveling at him, her tears too violent to let her walk toward him.

“DO--” She breathed, the cries cut from her uncontrollable need to inhale from her screams. “DON-” Gasp. Gasp. Gasp. It sounded like the last noises the padawans had made beneath his saber.

Ben turned around to look for the shuttle. He tried to find it while simultaneously remembering the curve of her eyebrows. The size of her ears, the height of her when she bumped his knees--

“DON’T GO! DON’T—”

He walked.

He breathed through his nose, his mouth clamped tight to prevent his heart from spilling from his lips as the thudding threatened to topple him forward.

“COME BACK—COME BACK!! DON’T GO!!”

The whirr of the shuttle and the trickling of sand in the air were pathetic against the sound of her screaming.

He heard it when the ramp closed.

He listened to it through the shuttle's thrusters.

He _felt_ it as his tongue wet his thumb and as he pressed it into his skin to wipe the Binary off his arm.

_Rey Ben Rey Rey Rey Ben Ben Rey Ben Rey—_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [Wedge 'Veggies' Antilles (the doll a gift from him)](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Wedge_Antilles/Legends)   
>  [Manaan](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Manaan)   
>  [Brith](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Brith)   
>  [Dantooine](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Dantooine/Legends)   
>  [Jovan Station](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Jovan_Station)   
>  [Yavin 4](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Yavin_4)   
>  [XR12](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/XR12)   
>  [Sabacc](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Sabacc/Legends)   
>  [Binary](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Binary/Legends)
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> This is actually an intended multi-chapter AU, in which Ben does come back to check on Rey over the years, up until TFA, but we'll see.


End file.
